This Life

Paddy the Hero Horse - ABC Goulburn Murray (Australian Broadcasting Corporation)

"He stood there and did what I asked him. If you can have that sort of communication, all the big parades and the big accolades we've had as gendarme can't compare to that because that was when the chips were really down. I asked him to do something and he said, righto, I'll do that. And that's what he did."

via www.abc.net.au

For those of you who wonder how intelligent horses really are, click on the link to read this story of a retired police horse who saved the smaller animals in his pasture from the vicious fires in Victoria, Australia.

Several studies have shown that horses are capable of reasoning and problem solving (as anyone who's ever tried to keep an equine escape artist in his stall will testify). But even so, Paddy's something special.

What Happens In Vegas...

...gets shared with the world on this blog. Not that there's anything too scandalous likely to happen on a trip involving two middle-aged women, horses and a blender.

Wait...back up a second...a blender?

There was a time when preparations for a road trip with my friend Suzanne would have involved packing my fanciest clothes and stopping at the grocery store to stock up on candy bars, Mint Milano cookies and bottles of water to gorge ourselves on during the drive. We never worried about what we'd eat once we arrived at our hotel. That's what room service is for, right?

Fast forward 15 years and it's a WHOLE different story. We're health-conscious, weight-conscious, cash-conscious, and too many other kinds of conscious to list. By the time we'd finished packing the car for the drive to Vegas, we were stocked up with:

• 12 bottles of water
• 5 containers of greek yogurt
• 3 packs of fresh blueberries
• 1 pack of frozen blueberries
• 1 bunch of bananas 
• 1 pack of fresh strawberries
• 2 tins of sugar-free peaches
• 2 bars of sugar-free dark chocolate 
• 2 organic chocolate bunnies (a girl's gotta live a little)
• Red pepper hummus
• Gluten-free crackers
• Low-fat mozzarella sticks
• 1 package of baked tofu 
• Cherry tomatoes
• Organic tomatoes
• 2 packs of organic salad greens
• Fresh basil
• Ground flax seed
• Brewers yeast 
• Protein powder
• Slivered almonds
• Sugar-free maple syrup
• Agave nectar
• Soy-ginger vinaigrette

Yes, I know they have grocery stores in Las Vegas. But how could we be sure they'd have exactly the right brand of greek yogurt? How could I start my morning without my fruit & yogurt parfait flavored with just the right blend of agave nectar and sugar-free maple syrup? I mean, an army marches on its stomach, people! And what's good for an army has to be good for a couple of aging gals with a horse obsession, right?

The drive took a reasonably fast 4 hours and 15 minutes, largely because we fussed and fidgeted and left Suzanne's house late by our usual hour or so. We told ourselves we were making a smart decision to avoid the evening rush-hour, but the truth is we've never managed to leave on time for a road trip together EVER. We know this about each other and we're OK with it. It's yet another reason why we're friends.

We stayed at the Hilton, which had an amazing $59 deal going on. More importantly, they had a new spa and very, very comfy beds. Let me emphasize the extreme comfort of these beds. So comfy, in fact, that they caused both Suzanne and I to sleep in every morning and miss our usual strenuous 6am yoga workout. Which we each do at home every day. Without fail. Honest.

As I mentioned before, we were in Las Vegas to watch the 2009 Dressage World Cup. Of course, along with the "watching" comes the "shopping." Every major show has a big trade fair filled with rows upon rows of horsey temptation. We planned to be good and just window-shop, but the nasty salespeople kept trapping us in booths filled with new breeches and cute jackets and we kept having to force our way out by waving burning credit cards in their faces.

It turns out that shopping for new breeches was a smart idea, since the four-day trip somehow caused all the breeches in my closet at home to shrink.

Apparently, packing a car-load of healthy food doesn't help if you visit places like this:

Yes, that's chocolate flowing in them thar fountains. And no, they wouldn't let me behind the glass to do a quality-control check. They would, however, let me jam as many of these into my mouth as was humanly possible:

It turns out I can jam quite a lot of delicate french pastries into my mouth. What can I say? It's a gift.

But what about that blender? Well, we did eat a very healthy breakfast each day. Because everyone knows that if you eat yogurt and fruit for breakfast, it cancels out the pastries you eat for lunch, right? And if you make a smoothie for breakfast and drink it rather than eating anything, you haven't actually eaten anything. See? It's all a matter of perspective.

What else did we do in Vegas? Well, we made a spur-of-the-moment decision to see Cirque Du Soleil's "O" which was fantastic. Suzanne made some new friends:

 

But mostly, we watched some amazing horses and riders, ate, drank, got together with old friends, shopped......

...and had a wonderful, fabulous time.

Where on Earth Have I Been?!

At the 2009 Dressage World Cup in Las Vegas, that's where. My best girlfriend and I headed out to the desert last week for a few days of horsey fun. There were lots of horses and we had lots of fun, so I'd say we accomplished our goals.

I love accomplishing things, don't you? It gives me such as sense of...accomplishment.

The FEI World Cup Dressage Final started in 1986, but this is only the fourth time it's been held in the US. It rotates around to different countries, unlike baseball's World Series, whose name I'm still trying to figure out. Can you really call something a "World Series" if you don't actually allow any other countries to compete? But I digress.

Anyway, the US won after-the-fact in 2003 when the actual winner, from Germany, was disqualified due to minute amounts of testosterone in the horse's bloodstream. It was an icky situation all round, because everyone agreed that the amounts were so small that they probably got there unintentionally and had no effect on the horse's performance. But the FEI has a zero-tolerance policy, so the silver medal winners (Debbie McDonald and Brentina) were awarded the gold.

Other than the 2003 win, the competition has always been dominated by Germany and the Netherlands. They have the benfeit of a centuries-old breeding program and their horses get to compete in front of large, noisy crowds all the time, so they're typically not fazed by the commotion in an indoor venue like the Thomas & Mack Center. The US is competitive, but we usually have to settle for third or fourth.

Not anymore!

For the first time, the US won outright, with Germany in second and the Netherlands in third. We were all pretty excited when the US rider, Steffen Peters, won the first round on Thursday. Then on Saturday night, all the riders performed their freestyles to music. For those non-dressage people out there, a freestyle is a ride where the rider gets to choose the music and choreography, and they're judged on artistic merit as well as technical details. It's kind of like the freestyle section of ice skating without the tights. There are certain moves that must be performed, but when and how many times they're done is up to the rider.

Here's Steffen's winning freestyle:

And in case he's making it look too easy, just imagine trying to control 1500 lbs of hyped-up muscle with nothing but your weight, legs and hands. Unless you're a meatpacker or a rider, you have no idea how difficult it is. And a meatpacker doesn't have to look elegant at the same time. Come to think of it, their muscle isn't moving, either. So that probably makes it easier, right?

But I'm digressing again.

In addition to the main competition, there was also a small Pas de Deux class. That's where two horses and riders do a freestyle together, in costume. It's just as difficult as a regular freestyle, except that now you have to keep in sync with another rider, as well. It's popular with over-achievers and masochists. The winning couple this year (Elizabeth Ball and Guenther Siedel) are both Grand Prix riders, and Guenther has been on our Olympic team three times. So I guess they're over-achievers AND masochists. Anyway, here's the ride:

I'll post more photos over the next few days, and I promise I'll include some of people without horses. Personally, I can't imagine why anyone would want such a thing, but I guess it takes all sorts.

In the meantime, here are some cool links if you want more info about the World Cup:

• World Cup website
• Past Winners
• Wikipedia "dressage" entry 
• USA Today article on Steffen's win
• Dressage Daily coverage

  

Giving Someone a Leg-Up

Just in case you're ever asked to help someone mount a horse from the ground, here's how NOT to do it:

A Little Vacuuming

Last year, I decided to forego the full-body clip that Phox usually has during the winter months. For those non-horsey types out there who have no idea what I'm talking about, it's like this: when the days start getting shorter and the temperature drops, horses grow thick winter coats. Shaggy, hairy, yak-like winter coats. If you want to continue riding during the winter and you don't feel like spending hours drying your horse off after riding, you shave off the winter coat and give them a cute blanket to wear instead. Like this one:

Anyway, since I didn't plan on showing Phox during the winter and since I ride in the morning and he has plenty of time to dry off before it gets cold and he risks catching a chill, I decided not to bother clipping him. I still blanketed him at night, but with a lighter blanket than he would otherwise have worn.

Everything was fine all winter long, aside from the occasional snarky comments from my trainer about him looking like a draft horse (due to the long hair on his lower legs). 

Then came spring. And the shedding. Oh, the shedding!

Every time I brush Phox, I remove the equivalent of two small animals from his coat. I brush and brush and he looks just as hairy, but the ground looks like a Persian cat exploded.

Still, at least I learned to keep my mouth shut while grooming. Ever had hairy teeth? It'll shut you up REAL fast.

So, what's a girl to do about all this excess hair? Why, vacuum, of course.

You thought I meant the excess hair from the ground, didn't you. No, I figured I'd just cut out the middle step and suck the hair straight off him.

AND IT WORKED!

Not only does this handy barn vacuum have a nozzle that combs through the hair, but it's powerful enough to suck all the loose stuff right out. You have to keep it moving, though, or it'll suck the skin up, too. People think I'm weird enough as it is without my horse walking around with a big hickey.

Phox kind of likes the vacuum. He even lets me do his face. Of course, he'll let me do pretty much anything when carrots are involved. Hey, every man has his price.

My Dual Personalities

The photo on the left was taken after I returned from a party the other night. I wish I could say I dress like this all the time, but sadly, my footwear usually looks more like the photo on the right. Even when I am dressed in fancy clothes, for some reason I feel obliged to point out to the folks around me that it's only a temporary state.

I'd love to pretend I'm a pulled-together, high heels and lipstick kind of girl. The people who know me only from parties seem to think I am. When I mention how dirty and unkempt I usually look, they laugh politely and give me that "Oh, she's so self-deprecating" look. Of course, that forces me to protest "No, really. I usually have hay in my hair and dirt under my fingernails." As they look at me disbelievingly, I'm forced into ever more graphic details about my usual disheveled state. "REALLY dirty. Poop on my breeches. Smears of mud across my face. Horse hair all over my t-shirt." By the time I get to "Sweat making little trails through the grime caked on my face," their expressions have changed from polite disbelief to outright horror.

As they back away with their polite smiles frozen on their faces, it occurs to me that maybe this is why I don't get invited to more parties.

Why Horses Are Harder Than Kids: Cleaning Their Rooms

Many horsepeople (myself included) refer to their horses as their "kids." It's fair to say that having a horse is similar in responsibility to having a child, except that he'll never grow up and leave home, never ask you for money, clothes or a car, and he'll always be happy to see you. On the other hand, a horse will never help clean his room, never grow up enough to help with chores, and won't hesitate to poop on you if you happen to be in the way. Although, come to think of it, that last one also applies to some kids I know.

Anyway, for those of you who belong to the sane part of the population that isn't horse-inclined, I thought I'd point out some of the major differences between caring for horses and caring for kids (because you thought they were SO similar, right?). Let's start with cleaning up their rooms.

For most parents, cleaning a kid's room is more about tidying. Putting away clothes, removing dirty laundry, etc. You might find the occasional petrified dish of food under the bed but no matter how slovenly your kid is, is unlikely that you'll find an actual lake in the center of the room. Let alone a lake consisting of rainwater mixed with large amounts of pee. That's right, pee. Squeamish people should abandon this post now.

This is what Phox's stall looked like on Tuesday afternoon:

The front half of the stall is covered so it stays nice and dry in rainstorms. Notice Phox hanging out in that part, looking at the brown stream in the back. "Me? Do that? Na-uhh. I'm just over here eating my dinner, minding my own business."

Even though the stream doesn't look that big, it was just the tip of the iceberg. The entire back section of the stall was ankle-deep mud, as I discovered when I ducked between the fence bars and promptly sank. The resulting stream of words had birds and ground squirrels covering their ears, and even Phox turned his back and pretended not to know me. Apparently, even a 1500-lb kid can be embarrassed by his mom.

Let's take a closer look at that brown stream, shall we?

The first order of business was digging a drainage channel to let some of the water out. I bet THAT'S something you've never had to do in your kid's bedroom, right? I grabbed my gloves and a pickaxe and chopped away at the mud berm separating the stall from the dirt track outside. Actually, "chopped" is a bit of an exaggeration. "Slopped" is more like it. Much as I like to think of myself as a modern Rosie The Riveter, wielding heavy tools without male supervision, I have to admit I could probably have dug the channel with a teaspoon.

With the channel dug, I used my spade like a paddle to push the water outside the stall. Unfortunately, this covered me with liquid mud and quickly dammed up the drainage channel. I opened it up again with the edge of the spade, paddled a bit, and dammed it agin. This went on for about 10 minutes: paddle, dam, slop, drain. It may have been a less than effective technique, but I was in a rhythm. That counts for something, right?

Eventually, I managed to get most of the standing water out. Now for the kitty litter. That's right: I said kitty litter.

Actually, it's called "Dry Stall" and it's supposed to soak up moisture from a muddy stall. It looks and feels like kitty litter and works on pretty much the same principle.

In the photo, it looks like I've just sprinkled some Dry Stall willy-nilly over the muddiest part of the stall. (I love that word, "willy-nilly." I don't even want to THINK about its origins.) Unfortunately, nothing involving horses is ever that simple.

I dragged each of the five 40-lb bags from the back of my car to the stall. One at a time, I opened each bag, dumped the contents over the mud, then tamped it down with my feet like some kind of insane grape-stomper. And since the mud was still pretty thick, it went something along the lines of stomp, stomp, squish, sink, curse, stomp, sink... You get the idea.

Five bags later, it was time for the CedaRest. This stuff is made from chipped cedar wood and it's really good at keeping outdoor stalls dry.

"New bedding? For me? Mom, you shouldn't have."

"I'm not sure this color goes with the rest of my room. How come you always make these decisions without me? I'm not a BABY, you know."

And the most common question from Phox: "Can I eat it?"

I installed the CedaRest in much the same way as the DryStall, only with less cursing. Eventually, the stall looked like this:

Not perfect, but not an actual swamp anymore, either.

So, to sum up: 

Cleaning kid's room
1/2 hour of work (maybe 1 hour)
Minimal cursing
Zero dollars

Cleaning up horse's room
2 hours of work
Extensive, colorful cursing
$87 for bedding
1 hour to remove mud from mom's bodily orifices afterwards

Phox's reaction? "Thanks mom, but I'm happy hanging out over here." Grrr.